The 2012 Wrap-Up

I wish I could wrap up 2012 with a whole list of great things I accomplished. What I see from where I stand is a whole lot of things and roads I traveled that didn't go very far. If I could say one thing about 2012 I would say it was filled with challenges and I expect 2013 to be the same.
This last year I spent lot of time being really mad at God. I fought Him and I yelled at Him and accused Him. There were times I thought that this relationship I think I have must all be in my head. I prayed and begged and pleaded. All to a ceiling in my house. The prayers bounced off, and the heavens had a sign that said, " Move on no prayers answered for you." That was how I felt. The emptiness in my soul was a wide as the Grand Canyon.

 I felt this barren inside most days. I felt abandoned and all alone. I know simple rules that faith is not about feelings. Faith is in the person of Jesus Christ, The Bible and reading that Book over and over even when I didn't feel it. It is praying even when I don't want to and it is getting up and doing the right things over and over again and it is about never giving up. Then remember when that letter came? I met my Waterloo. Who I am and what I am came spewing forth. I was bumped. Need I tell you the ways I plotted revenge? The conversations I had in my mind every day and every night. I thought I would loose my mind. I begged God to let me forgive and move on. I begged God because some one else had taken over my body and who I thought I was was just gone.

Then as so often happens. I gave up and I said, Okay, Lord, not my will but yours and I will obey. So I did a few very simple things and on that day, it was just like magic. The trials came to an end, the prayers I prayed and I thought were not heard began to tumble like dominoes just falling in to place with the gentle clicking sounds as they all fall in a row. So I close the year with that long list of prayers with a date and an answer beside it. Most of them answered with answers far greater than I expected and with much better results than I dreamed. I became so humbled and ashamed at my lack of true faith. I have seen things in me that make me shrink back in shock that I could be so hateful and evil. I realize that it is only Jesus in me not a different set of circumstances that even gets me though the day.

I will say I have learned so much. I also will say standing here now and looking back. I am thankful. I know without a doubt that when I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, He is with me. Even though I am not real wild about the rod, I know there are times I need it like I need His staff to guide me. I know that He is the good shepherd and that as a sheep, I know my shepherds voice. I know that when I stray, He finds me and carries me gently home. Yes, in 2012 He has led me down paths I did not want to go. He never left me nor did He forsake me. He has continued to expand my vision and has shown me His mercy.
I think the best lesson I have learned in 2012 is that " I must trust God---my times are in His hands. His timing is never late."

 

The verse I claim for 2013 is this from Isaiah 58:11

The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.

Thank you for reading my words today. Thank you for being with me through this year of my life. I think 2013 will be a year of relinquishment for me. It will be giving up and opening my hands of all that I am so that when I was young and God would bless us with one more baby and I would think I couldn't do it one more time and somehow I did. How little did I know that He had so much more in mind than I could ever dream. 

 He took my life and He restored all of the years the locust had eaten and He continues to give me more than I ever deserve. When I looked at the photo, I saw what God has done with a very unwilling servant. Just think what He could do with a willing one.

I wish you blessings and peace and joy and love in 2013

~Kim~