We have a supposedly cooler day today. Maybe even some rain tomorrow. Not counting on it as rain seems to always pass us by, do you remember in the old show Get Smart and the cone of silence? That is what is always over us and storms just go around us. There is a fancy word for it but I just can't remember it.
One of the words I have always wanted to embrace about life is to be content. No matter the place I find myself, I have always wanted to be content. I am not though. I also find myself not seeing the beauty all around me nor the little things that bring joy. I did something that I was curious about, I went back to a year ago in my journal and looked at life in 2012. No wonder I feel like I have been through a war. I only tell you little bits of the trials that go on and sometimes I think I blab too much. I was shocked at how many trials we were going through at the same time last year at this time.
Now though, being on this side of them. What I can tell you is that God never failed. I did all of the time, I fell down, I didn't want to get up again and I really over and over did not think I could make it one more day.
What I see now though was when God allowed the worst things I could have ever thought to happen to us, I can see how loving and kind God was now. When I felt like He only said, " Will you trust me," over and over, and I cried and said, " NO I Don't Trust You. I want you Lord to go away." He didn't, He has always promised, " To never leave me nor forsake me." He didn't.
I knew I was being a baby, but I was so angry at God, I could feel my heart growing hard. That was more scary to me than the trial.
I think that is what I think I love about believing in a God who doesn't change nor does He lie. No matter how mad I was I could pick up His word and He would give me words of comfort and strength and even though I didn't understand why and maybe not even now but I do know that my faith in an Unseen God is stronger than it would have been if I had not been wounded because what needed to come out was junk that needed to be dealt with and handled.
I told you that last year, my word was relinquishment. I gave up what He asked of me even though I know in a spiritual sense He had to break my hot little hands for me to give it back to Him. This year, the word is Surrender. Again, I don't want my word for the coming year to be surrender but in order for me to surrender I had to relinquish what I did love more that God. I see that now.
I have lived on a July schedule for so long with the kids and school I find that I still do and it is easier for me to plan my year that way. So as I surrender this year. I am thankful that going through trials as I learned last year didn't make me love God more, but it did make me have a more solid kind of faith. I learned that trusting sometimes is harder than believing. Walking by faith and not sight sometimes tests every single thing I have ever believed and I am I can say, I am thankful that God knew me and I knew Him that when I came out on the other side, we would still be friends.
Thank you, I know this is a long kind of post. Without your kind words and friendship, sometimes your words were such a lifeline. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.