Almost May

 

All of the pictures of sunflowers are the sunflowers of the past. I have none up yet.

 Can you believe its almost May? We had a thunder and lighting storm this morning. Rare for here, and the rain is nice.
That too is rare for here. I am excited for May. Ben and Megan will be home. Emilie and Nik will be home, and Peter is home now. It was a exciting week for me. Ben and Megan will sign papers on the new property in North Carolina this week. Makenzie was voted best photographer in our town. Nik graduated from Seminary. Peter got his second job. I know I am forgetting something. I had a lady sign up for the Bible Study I am leading in May. So all very cool things. I feel in awe of God and that He just is who He is.

Have I ever shared with you my favorite word I learned this year from the Bible?
The word is called Hesed.
It means:" When the person from whom I have a right to expect nothing gives me everything."

Isn't that cool? I feel like in every area and in every place in my life, in spite of what is going on in the world, there are bits of light and my life. It is like a kaleidoscope. My life might look like bits of colored glass with no shape or content, but when God turns the tube in my life, everything come out in beautiful designs. Each one different and each one unique. Why? because He is lovingkindness. It is who He is and what His nature is and He is Hesed.

 

I always have this question in my mind sometimes, and since I am doing 12 Extrodinary Women by John MacArthur this summer and the first women we will study will be Eve. This question pops up when I am thinking and studying. " Yeah, but would you love God if He didn't do good things in your life? Are you a fair weather believer? So I ponder that all of the time. Would I walk away if bad things happened? Would you? What about those things that are beyond my ability to grasp.

In my mind, my answer is, well, yes I suppose I might walk away, but where would I go, and I am so glad that faith doesn't depend on me. It all belongs to God and because He is Hesed, I can just rest in who He is today. Only today. Not yesterday, not in the future, only today.
One of my favorite prayers is this:

Though the fig tree does not bud and no fruit is on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though the sheep are cut off from the fold and no cattle are in the stalls, yet I will exult in the LORD; I will rejoice in the God of my salvation! GOD the Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like those of a deer; He makes me walk upon the heights! Habakkuk 3:17-19

 

I share sometimes only in the good things that are going on, I don't like to share the messy underbelly of my life. Its there believe me. In the world we have so much bad news. All the time, that I choose to leave that part out. We all have hard things and things that seem to not make sense. I have learned in this year, that as God has pried my fingers one by one by all that I was clutching so tightly in my hands.This is one I will share.

I have too much stuff. I decided that this year, what I would do in 2019 to do was to do it scared. Everything.
I have done things I never dreamed I could do this year. I have to say I do it scared all the time. I cleaned my shed the week Ron was home. Elliot helped and we got rid of so much stuff. But in my shed I had four school desks. Those desks were the 25 years we did school at home. Those desks represented all I had done. The picture in my mind of the school room and spending my days and weeks and years educating the kids. The good times and bad. Wednesday morning Elliot said, he had a friend and they were going to haul off the desks. Silly I know, but I really thought I was going to have a heart attack.  I couldn't breathe, it was like, my life was officially over. My past life was gone.
So they loaded them up and hauled them away.

While they were gone, I walked out to the shed. I stood and looked at all of the room I now had. I thought about each kid that is now an adult. How each one is going off in a different direction. How proud I am that they are going in the direction God has for them how by giving my life for them for those years in the school room, they are each different and each unique. Not because of desks, but because of the time we had. Because of God and His plan.

Letting go is about moving on and doing it scared. Trying things even if I fail. Getting up every time I
can't see the next step to take. Walking down a path, I have no idea where its going, but I know I am not alone, now or then or ever.

Now if you are still here reading this twaddle. Thank you. May is filled with good things. I am excited every time I do something scared. I am excited for the future. I am thankful for all of the hard things, because in them, I see that God is greater than I can even imagine.
Have a wonderful week, May is almost here,

~Kim~

“The summer,' Randy explained. 'I'm going to appreciate it. I'm going to walk in the woods noticing everything, and ride my bike on all the roads I never explored. I'm going to fill a pillow with ladies' tobacco so I can smell it in January and remember about August. I'm going to dry a big bunch of pennyroyal so I can break pieces off all winter and think of summer. I'm going to look at everything, and smell everything, and listen to everything so I'll never forget --”
― Elizabeth Enright, Then There Were Five