October

October

Monday, October 15, 2012

The Opening and Closing of Doors

This summer has been perhaps, one of the hardest of my entire life. I have had to walk in places I have never walked. I had no experience with where the Shepherd asked me to go nor to the mountains and valleys I had to walk. I have found that when I was broken over and over and didn't think I would ever be able to get up again, that was when the Shepherd picked me up and carried me.

On Friday if I had known that the trial was almost over I don't know what I would have said, maybe just shook my head in disbelief. I can't tell you the whole story because it isn't mine to tell. Yet. When it is I will tell you of the Red Sea's that have been parted. Of how me of the smallest of faith, has a great God.

When I first gave my life to the Lord, I wanted a faith that would be tested. I wanted to be like those people I read about in books, when in trials I couldn't imagine I would also be able to stand firm. This summer I learned that those Corrie Ten Booms, Hudson Taylor's even Elisabeth Elliot and Ruth Grahams, were not writing books as they walked through the trial. They wrote the books after they made it through. As they looked back at all that God had done through them and for them.

This summer has been one that was so hard and beyond anything I have experienced. I have had attacks that have hit hard and deep and sometimes, I wondered if I would survive to live another day. I have seen my character revealed and seen the blackness of my own soul. I have cried out to God to have mercy on me, a sinner. I have seen what I really am and I have begged God to stop. Let me go back to how I was, He has said no and has brought all that I have kept hidden out in the light of day. I have been stripped and laid bare.
I have found that what faith I thought I had, wasn't a real faith. My faith likes warm, safe and secure places.
God made me go to hard places where I couldn't trust my feelings, but had to trust His Word that was the light to my path. I had to go by what was written and count on the fact God doesn't lie.

I finally started praying, Not my Will Father but thine. I give up all of my own purposes and desires. I really did at times feel forsaken. Then today, I found out why God had to let me go through this, because I didn't know that I had my hands so tight holding onto what I wanted, that when I was able to open my hands finally, God was able to show me what He wanted to do. Really, It is so huge I have done nothing but cry, because it is so like God to give exceedingly, beyond anything I asked or thought.

All of the times the quiet sound of God's voice would say, " Will you trust me?" I thought I was but I really wasn't, I was trusting in my own strength. I see why I have had to come this far in the breaking process because of my own determination to do what I want, my way. Oh, will I ever learn?

I was reading the old writers I love, like Andrew Murray, on prayer. He talked of the prayer of relinquishment. It is a old word that we don't hear much anymore. I started praying that prayer giving everything I knew how to give over to God. Today, He answered.

I am sure that I only know the first bit of this answer, I know that I am going to have to keep relinquishing lots more things than I ever dreamed but I know that physically, I have to do it willingly because I don't have the strength to fight God any more.

Just so you know, it is all good, really, really good. When I woke up this morning a verse was going around in my head and I thought it was weird because the last time God gave it to me, was when I thought He couldn't do something huge, and He did.
This was the verse that woke me up.  How long wilt thou mourn?....fill thy horn with oil, and go, I will send thee...I have provided...---1st Samuel 16:1

I didn't know why but now I do and I am so thankful for all of the hard things I went through, because I got to see the greatness of a loving Father.

Thank you for visiting today,
~Kim~

24 comments:

  1. I think I might be the first one to see and comment on this incredible post, Kim. Oh do I ever hear your words, and I have felt those same things, and seen God miraculously restore and make whole in my own life. I've also seen that what i thought was faith, was pathetic. But isn't that how our God teaches us? We don't really know what it means to trust, until we HAVE to trust.

    This was beautiful Kim, and a testimony to what God is doing in your life. I enjoyed every word, and the heart that so honestly shared them. I'm especially thankful for the new place He has brought you to through this summer. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. i do hope you can share your trials from the other side. i do hope they are resolved.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you Kim...for being so honest! I am finding out just how pathetic my faith is, and I want it to be real! However, do I really want to go through trials to discover it?! Achhhhh...no. I'm so glad that you have come through the fire!

    ReplyDelete
  4. What a lovely and heart felt post. Our great and merciful Lord will always lead us...if only we will follow. Blessings

    ReplyDelete
  5. There is so much I could say, but I don't need to, you have said it all. Your silver refined is a blessings to us all...as we each go through our own trials. Yes, the books came after the journey, not during the middle of the battle.

    Right now I just feel like shouting a Praise offering to the Lord...I so want to hug your neck as the tears of joy flow!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. God's ways are not our ways and He is for ever faithful to his promise.
    I'm so glad that you are finding some light and that you are growing stronger.
    Hugs, JB

    ReplyDelete
  7. YEEHAWW! I'm so glad for this! It is such a good, good thing. :D

    ReplyDelete
  8. Gosh, this is a doozie of a post! I understand everything you are saying although in my own life this process was not just over one summer, nor quite so concentrated as yours evidently has been. Amen to relinquishment! Yes, He does give joyfully and abundantly...and there is no limit to the ever increasing wonder of His amazing love...

    I think this is probably my first visit to your blog, but I shall return again. Blessings to you and yours...

    ReplyDelete
  9. strength only comes from being broken!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Kim, sending hugs and prayers your way! xo Nellie

    ReplyDelete
  11. Kim, I had no idea of the deep valleys you have been walking. I pray you have now come out of the darkness and into the light. I shall keep you in my prayers. Sending blessings to you, Julie.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh Kim... I have had to hold on to the words 'Thou knowest' and still am holding on to them.
    God bless you more abundantly than you can ever ask or think - He has promised and He does not lie!
    Christine

    ReplyDelete
  13. This whole blog post is pretty much everything I've been thinking. But it's hard. And I'm so tired.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh Kim how much I understand EVERYTHING you are saying here! How credible are faith really is only comes with great trial. To watch God work out details that only He could work out is overwhelming. Trust in Him is something that can only be proven when we HAVE to prove it. How grateful I am that He has answered you and brought to the place you are at now. Praise God! HUGS

    ReplyDelete
  15. All of that wonderful witnessing and the line that sticks out for me? "Oh, will I ever learn?" That's me. I fight and fight and fight and then, BAM I FINALLY realized what I'd known all along. That whole trust thing is a HUGE issue for me. Do you think that happens because of what people have done to us that makes us lose trust and we just carry that over to God? All the while knowing that if we can't trust anything or anyone else, we CAN trust Him? Looking forward to the story when you can tell it!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Wow! This is BIG stuff! Thank you for sharing your heart so openly, Kim.
    I have been pondering surrender, too.
    (LOVE!)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Praise to God for His incredible love!

    ReplyDelete
  18. I am right there with you! I have had a long journey myself and had to surrender and trust.I had to learn to let go and have faith that the Lord is walking with me.
    I feel the change in myself and now can see that he was testing my faith as well as changing my heart.I am grateful today! Though I couldn't have said that in the last 4 years as I walked through my journey.
    I am happy for you as now you can see the light and move forward.Blessings to you as you have made your journey through the sludge as I say Lol.
    I am grateful and giving thanks myself.Thank you for sharing.~Cheers & Blessings Kim xox

    ReplyDelete
  19. Blessings & hugs, this is a very real post, the heart of the matter! Cease striving, I tell myself, and then do it anyway. So much of the struggle, I tie to myself, if I can but stop the fight or flee, and just trust & rest. I think some of the most beautiful reflections come from the shattered looking glass that was too dim to really see myself, until it broke. God Bless You!

    ReplyDelete
  20. God knows every hair on your head, every good and bad thing in your life, every step you have walked and every path before you. You are never alone. Rejoice, rejoice, rejoice!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Sending you a big {{{hugs}}}, I too have walked through valleys so deep they nearly take my breath away, but I know Who holds my hand and yours too...

    ReplyDelete
  22. God is so good! God bless you, Kim!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh how I wish that we could learn these valuable lessons less painfully ... but God knows that we wouldn't be open to learning the lessons without the hard times to draw us to Him. Praying for you as you are coming through these difficult times. {{hugs}}

    ReplyDelete

Thank you so much for visiting my blog.
Think of this as coming onto my porch and having
a visit.